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| Dear you,
fuck you. Fuck you and your self righteous behavior these past couple days. fuck your inability to see beyond only yourself. You're being a coward and an asshole. I feel like there is this underground current of hatred for me, and I do not know why. Why can't you just confront me about this? Yes, I want to be friends with you,but I feel like we keep having this moments were there is some hatred. WHy did you change so much so quickly? Why are you being this mean to me? I feel like everything should be okie right now between us but it isn't. It's fucking pissing me off.
you know what's worse? How I can't really get mad at you when we talk. I have never been good at confrontation, and I always become at a loss of words, or I forget the few things that I wanted to say to you. I want you to know this, there is some truth in that I have hurt you and betrayed your heart in the worst way possible, but I bet you haven't even thought about how much it hurt me when I realized how wrong I was about what we were. There were too many between us where we had to assume where we were. We started calling each other our "koibito" to our friends, and we failed at expressing our feelings for each other. We just failed as a relationship on so many levels. That what hurts me. I caught myself doing something that I shouldn't have done, even if it was technically within my boundaries. what I thought our limits were and what you thought your limits were were totally off. But yet why is it that I find myself having to apologize? I was mad at you before for other shit. I thought you were following our agreement and I wanted to do the same. Can't you see? I lived my relationship with you thinking that you did things that I realized that you didn't do and I fucked myself over. You're so god damn fucking selfish. I can't say that enough. Until you start looking beyond yourself and realize how much I really did care, you won't change. Actually what did change was that your personality became really sour. I dunno what happened. IF this keeps up I am going to confront you about it, as bad as I am about it. You were right about one thing about me though: I am TOO nice at times. I dunno why I still act that way with you. I think it's a defensive mechinism for me to become meek. I hate it. I want my backbone back but I don't have one with you. I am the bigger coward between the two of us but at least I am hurting you behind your back. I feel like you're saying shit about me when I'm not around to my friends. I never said anything bad about you. I have complained about our relatinoship in the past to other people, I've tried to analyze it with a couple about where it went wrong. But I never flat out just said shit about you. I come back from smoking with a friend and there's this awkward pause as you and my friends look at me? What the fuck? What the hell is wrong with you? One of your biggest points is that you're so mature. But I don't see that anymore. You've become immature, selfish (once again, I can't say that enouhg) and self-absorbed. Yes, the pain we both have is real, but you need to look beyond that.
It hurt SOO fucking bad when I realized that I was wrong. I apologized, I tried to explain myself, but nothing worked. I didn't know what to do. And right now, it hurts me more knowing that I'm not capable of telling this to you myself. WHy? Because when i'm with you, I can't bring myself to mention the topic. I can't bring myself to confront you when I know you don't want to talk about it. You want me to move forward? In a way I am. I know that I'm more capable than you are. But this hating has got to stop. if you got shit with me, or if you have something to say, FUCKING SAY IT TO ME okie? I don't like dealing with people who are nice when we talk and mean behind my back. IT's cheap, dirty and wrong. You're the one who is being a total child, and quite honestly, I feel like you deserve a good yelling at. I want to do it... but we'll see how things go. For the last time, you're a fucking selfish immature self-absorbed asshole. I am really starting to fucking hate you, which is rare. We were such good friends before, what happened? Seeing this side of you is a good wake up call for me to toughen up as well.
it's 5:00am right now. I can't sleep because of the jetlag, and my chest is hurting so much these days because of the stress I'm getting from you. I want to cry so much, I want to smoke my problems away. But I can't. Unfortunately I have the sad excuse that my mom is staying with me and I don't feel like coming out to her wtih my boy problems just yet. haha.... God damn keeping everything inside is so god damn painful. This entry is probably the only release I have for a little bit. I need to get out more. I know I'll move on, but it hurts when the pain is coming from such a vunerable spot in me. I feel like my heart is literally about to break right now. I hate it. I've been eating less despite that I'm hungry. I lost 4lbs somehow. This is not good for me even though I want to lose weight. Eventually I will be able to move on... I hope so. I am stressing way too much over you and your fucking antics. so FUCK YOU k? fuck you... | | |
| It's been a while since I wrote something in my blog. Xanga has really changed a lot since I first started blogging... I couldn't help but go back to the old style cause of the new layouts and everything!! Since I got some time I'm going to try to ease into the new and see what happens.
It's been a crazy summer for me. I just finished my 3rd year of undergraduate studies in college and I am about to enter my final year in a couple weeks. After school ended last spring, I was in Tokyo Japan for 2 months and then I flew back to Seoul where I interned for LG CNS (a branch of LG, yes the ones that make your cellphone) for 4 weeks. It's been a crazy summer.... I felt there was a lot of drama, but like with most things that doesn't kill, it made me stronger. I learned a lot from my summer experiences, and they've been rolling around in my head a lot lately so I thought the best way for me to get it out of the way is to write it out.
So here's what I've learned:
1. self-confidence: I think I realized how important self confidence actually is in anything that I do. A lot of the drama that I faced I felt happened because I forgot who I was. I lost all control of my life and in turn, forgot my very core of beliefs. If I were more confident with myself, or if I reminded myself of who I really am, I wouldn't have been more perceptive of what has been going on around me. I became submissive this summer. I bended my back a lot more than I realized. I don't mind doing things for people in most cases but I forgot that sometimes I need to watch out for myself as well. At the same time, I became a people pleaser. I was trying to help everyone at once, which is impossible. As a result I felt I lost everything, and that I had a shallow summer. I couldn't get into super depth of anything that I've done. I made a ton of mistakes... stuff that I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself for even though it feels like something that happened long ago.
2. True communication: I learned that communication with someone is not just about listening to the person and responding, but feeling comfortable with the other person to fully express your opinions, even if it's not a positive one. Holding your emotions in are never a good thing, as most people probably know, holding it in will eventually cause you to explode and that's never a good thing. I listened a lot. I wanted to be supportive so I helped where I can and I was blunt at times. But when there was something that bothered me, I should have voiced myself. I felt that I didn't want to say because I didn't want the other person to get mad. But you know what, it's not worth talking to someone if he is going to get mad about something that bothers me, or if I say my opinion and he may not necessarily agree with it.
3. I lacked self disipline: working in an office for the first time realized how much I hated the corporate world. But I realized I can never work in an office because I wasn't disiplined enough to survive. There is a lot of social structure and formality when speaking, both something I couldn't do. I was working in Seoul, so Korean was definately the language of choice in the office. I felt SO scared the entire time because I knew when I spoke I didn't know the formalities. Not that my korean is bad... I can keep up a NORMAL friendly conversation with family or people but I dunno anything about the formalities... ie what tense to use how to conjugate verbs etc etc etc. So I jus tried to sound nice and do my best. Though I get so surprised because I would stare at the computer for a while and then I would find myself sleeping for 30 minutes.. -___-;; that's so scary. oh I was doing research for LG. I spent my days googling about Green IT (information techonology) and helped my boss prepare for a seminar presentation about whether it's something for LG to invest in (TOTALLY YES!) But I realized from this is that I want to do something, I have to put effort and work hard for it. that's for anything inlife. hard work does pay off.
Realizing that I lost myself was the biggest thing that hurt me during this summer. I forgot who I was and I needed to remember who I was. I think I've been working on that for the past couple weeks. I decided in order to boost my self confidence, I needed to be active. I started working out again. I started to care a lot more about my hygiene (not that I didn't before...) and my health. I want to be a stronger, better looking (yes I'm shallow like that), and healthier person. I want to feel confident about myself. I got really hurt this summer, and I think this is my coping mechinism.
I think that's all I can write for now... I'll probably make more sense next post. that was alot of fun to write. ^_^ In culmination of everything, I bought a promise ring for myself. I wear it on my left thumb as a reminder to never forget who i am and to always work hard for a better self.
oh and if you haven't figured it out by now, yeah, I had a break up. :/ Life sucks like that.. but maybe there's a chance to get back? Is that even possible when both sides caused a lot of hurt? | | |
| If anything's ever wrong, I'll be here to listen. And I'll listen with both ears. Always.  | | |
| So I have this theory about Britney Spears.... what if she's not as dumb as she looks? What if this is all a front by her to get all the publicity she can get (after all, there's no such thing as bad publicity). Every aspect from her vagina photos and her crazy antics becomes something worth selling. She's already making millions and famous before she went "crazy" and now this is the next step in becoming the most obsessed celebrity around. While she's in public she's some kids-on-hips crazy hoe diva but when she's home in complete privacy (ie in the bathroom taking a poo) she is giggling to herself at her success in getting even more public attention. This is why she's good friends with Paris Hilton (another diva who I think is smarter than she seems). I hear she makes like 700K$ a month just from all of this... that's pretty decent if you ask me. And of course all this attention helps her sales with her album to some degree. Her song "piece of me" is pretty much sums it up for me. For someone who supposedly doesn't have her act together, she seems pretty focused in her most recent mv. Of course she is a bit bigger than her earlier years... and I will admit she's a very pretty woman! 
beautiful... though I wonder how much of this is photoshopped. And she should probably not wear a bikini outfit on stage like she did at the VH1 awards... Of course I could be wrong... which I probably am. Despite everything I do think she's a terrible mother to her kids and that maybe if she stopped all of this maddness she might be abit more sane and still popular. There's also that youtube video of her smoking weed (or supposedly she's high) and she seems pretty stupid... then again most people who are high tend to be like that. Anyhoo, Britney Spears, if you're reading this, I really wonder what kindof person you really are. :/ | | |
| RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I just let myself fall into the trap of waiting for that one person to come online so that you can chat with him. :/ And of course when you go online and he's not, you get all sad and what not. GEEZ I hate that feeling... this crazy sensation of vunerabilty and moments of weakness only because you are not in contact with that one guy. ... I hate feeling this helpless... dammit | | |
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